The key to a mutually satisfying physical intimacy in marriage is to connect with your spouse emotionally, intellectually, socially, spiritually and then physically in that order. Emotional intimacy is relating together with your spouse through feelings and dreams. Social intimacy is enjoying each other’s company, intellectual intimacy is respecting your spouse’s views (no matter how elementary or naïve), while spiritual intimacy is sharing the same faith and the same level of commitment.
Lovemaking is the deepest communion that any two human beings can share. In its purest sense, Sex is like the tango dance. It is said that it takes a short time to learn the tango, but a life time to master it. And like the tango, most men know how to have intercourse, but few men endeavor to master the art of lovemaking.
A man that is gone all day without connecting with his wife should not expect good love making from her at night. If he is lucky, he might have sex, but he certainly won’t be making love. When husband and wife make love the expectation is sexual satisfaction expressed in synchronized orgasm. The man’s chosen road to orgasm is physical intimacy while the woman’s preference is emotional intimacy. The art is in marinating those two preferences without sparing any expense.
In our premarital counseling sessions on sex and intimacy, we often say that good lovemaking starts from the morning and ends in the morning. That means that it starts with when you wake up from bed and give your wife a peck before you leave the house, continues during the day through phone calls, text messages, emails, picking up flowers or dinner on your way home, offering to help with the home chores, listening to her stories of how her day went and ends with the dance itself. Husbands, this is a full proof formula to a lifetime of romancing your wife and getting whatever you want.
The dance is what we call “praise and worship” in my house. Like every service it starts with preambles, the prayers, the praise and worship and ultimately the sermon. The end of the service is when you check to make sure that your spouse is satisfied. Don’t be caught snoring without the benediction.
You must connect emotionally, socially, intellectually, spiritually before you can enjoy a lifetime of lovemaking with your spouse. When you are connected on those levels, casual sex becomes love making and your lovemaking becomes a spiritual experience. Understand that at no time should a spouse deny the other intimacy.
